Blogiary...

Dear blogiary (blog + diary),

It's been awhile since i've updated you...close to a month i suppose...and within it...so many things have happen and so many things have changed...to the extent that sometimes it scares me to think of it...

The fact that i'm unable to let go of things easily could probably be the reason that keeps my sanity...things that i remember...memories...feelings...voices...pictures...

Some actions, decisions were made wrongly from the start...others..you'll never get to know if it's right or wrong...

I've grown from the decisions and my grave mistakes and learned from them...just that i do not know yet if i'm strong enough to handle the consequences...but yet i still have to face them...

It's been almost a month since i took off my necklace as well...let go of all the promises and just do nothing and rest and think...and i've rested enough and it's about time i put it back on...this time for different reasons...not as obligations...

"what is it in life that i'm looking for...or trying to achieve..." sometimes i ask myself this..but i never really did get the answer..."why am i always in a hurry...or why do i keep wanting to become stronger...why am i so competitive..." questions that i'm questioning myself at times as well...that's why i never really enjoyed myself...never let myself loose...

Sometimes i really hope to find out how have you been...and i don't know what's stopping me from doing so...probably cause i know your exams have just started and i don't want to disturb you...but i just want to wish you good luck and i know you can do it cause you are strong...

I took up golf recently..something i don't mind trying...and it was rather enjoying...hope i can excel in it since the coach has high expectations of me hahah...

Which is the main point of why people have so many expectations of me...expectations of me that i'm not and i try to be...to not disappoint people is what that could have killed me as well...yes though i know i can do it..but i guess it must be my own reason and decision for me to do so rather than just living up to people's expectations...

How have you been...
it's long since we last seen...
And i still remember that very last day...
When i saw your face...
And the things that you said...
Before i walked away...

You taught me alot...
More than everything I've talked...
Most importantly...more than everything i have fought...

(ps: Angry is still very much alive...and still as angry as ever...)
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Without you that day...
I would've probably been lost again...
Without the encouragement and strength...
I would've probably not be able to continue to the end...
I would've given up that day...
Until you showed me another way...
And that I'm thankful for what you have said...

I dare not see too far of what's ahead...
But I know of the steps that I'll take...
And without you...it'll all just become a fake...